May is mental health awareness month and I’ve been thinking all month about what I wanted to post. It has taken me a very long time to get comfortable owning and talking about my struggles with mental health. I’ve been supportive of others publicly but always pretty private except with my own inner circle of friends. That has been lonely.

In my upcoming book, I talk a lot about the causes and conditions of my mental health and physical health struggles. I also talk about how I’ve worked to heal from the adverse childhood experiences as they are called in the literature. There are many posts which list resources so I don’t want to do that other than lift up the Trans Lifeline and The Trevor Project-two lifelines that serve trans and LGBTQ+ people respectively. There are many posts that talk about the stigma associated with mental health so I won’t say much about that either.

What I think I want to say is that when I first got into therapy following a suicide attempt, I thought “Okay, a year of therapy should fix this.” I thought that after that year or some amount of time, I would never again be negatively impacted by the trauma of my past. That has not been my experience. But things have gotten better. Here are my top ten things that I think helped make the difference.

1. Good therapy–more than any particular technique, I had a therapist who really was wise, patient, caring, and always there for me but never coddling. She met with me multiple times weekly for many years and patiently told me the things over and over until I started to remember them and to be able to apply them. When I messed up…which I did…she didn’t fire me but we talked it through and I was able to learn. She was genuine and authentic while still holding appropriate boundaries. She is one of the people to whom I owe my life.
2. Getting clean and sober–As long as I was drinking and drugging, I couldn’t really benefit from the therapeutic help I was being offered. I had to put the drink and drugs down and pick up a kit of spiritual and practical tools to be able to stay clean and sober one day at a time. As of May 25th, 2026 I’ve been clean for 33 years. I’m so grateful to the recovery program and all the people who have helped me on this journey.
3. Getting outdoors–hiking, camping, sitting in my backyard under the trees, kayaking. There is something healing about getting outside. When I was getting sober and trying to outlast the urge to drink, I would go hike. If I finished the hike and still wanted to drink, I’d do another lap. The physicality and nature would always bring relief.
4. Spirituality and meditation–not religion but a spiritual path. Recognizing as a friend of mine says that I didn’t make stars. There’s something bigger than me that made stars and trees and rivers and that I can tap into. I find it in a few specific places that work for me. And meditation the more I’ve engaged in it, the calmer my nervous system has become.
5. Purple puzzles and riding out urges to use or self-harm–My therapist had me make a list of things I could do to calm myself or distract myself when I felt the urge to drink, drug or hurt myself. One night it was literally sitting with a friend and putting together a puzzle that was entirely the same shade of purple. DBT calls it ‘urge surfing’ and I have found it to be a very useful tool.
6. Learning to set and hold boundaries–saying what I really felt, thought, or needed (or didn’t need) has been critically important. Knowing that if I went to stay with a family member that I needed to stay in a hotel for my own sanity and self care and communicating that was important for me and also allowed me to be more present for my family member. That’s just one example among many I could give. In so many ways, speaking my truth and sticking to it has made life better. Not always easier but better.
7. Self-expression–for me that has meant journaling, drawing, music, and for a time my punching bag. I had to find ways to externalize all that I was feeling. When things were kept inside, they were too big and too intense. These ways of coping allowed me to externalize feelings and diffuse them. That allowed me to share them with my therapist when I couldn’t find ways to just talk them through. And the act of expressing them was healing. Over time they got less intense.
8. Medication–I resisted medication for a long time because I thought it was a crutch. What I have found is that medication has been able to help me apply tools and use strategies and medication itself has helped shift my mood. For me there is a definite biological component to depression and night terrors that responded only when I took the proper medication. I take medication for my ailing heart and don’t judge that…why should I judge the fact that my brain needs some support to regulate itself.
9. Learning that it was okay and wise to comfort myself–I love a soft comfy blanket. It was a long time before I let myself have that. I also have a few stuffed animals. I love incense and candles and comfy hoodies. A cup of hot tea. Soothing sound tracks or music. Finding sensory comforts helps when my nervous system is overwhelmed.
10. The best friends in the world of whom my wife is one–I am grateful to have a host of truly remarkable and reliable friends who love and support me. And have for years. I can reach out to celebrate or to ask for support and they will be there for me in either case. And I have learned how to be there for them. Not just ‘hey let’s go have a good time friends’ though I do have great times with them, but friends who really care and show up when I need them to.

So there you have my top ten things that have contributed to my healing. There are still hard days but things are so much better. I can feel joy today…not just intellectually but in my body and soul. When things are hard, I have tools and supports to cope and my reactions are so much less intense these days.

If any of these are helpful for you, I am glad. If not, that’s okay too. I hope you find what works for you and your life and healing. May we all find peace and may we all be free.